I'm kind of a mess. I'm a soon to be bride (questionable at this point) dealing with my existential crisis of moving out, getting married, and planning a family in the same year.Life with chronic depression & anxiety fucking sucks.
Catching Elephant is a theme by Andy Taylor
It’s a 3 day weekend and I’m running out of my box of wine. That box of wine was the equivalent of seven bottles of wine. This is a tragedy..wtf am I supposed to do for the next 3 days! I guess maybe work off this BK Stacker I just ate…
Day….6?: Looking up.
Well our wedding is NOT canceled so that’s a great thing.
I dropped my laptop on my finger and now have a hematoma, luckily it’s at the tip (just the tipppppp) and not under my nail so it can just go away on its own hopefully. My father of course wants to poke a needle in it.
I am finally being okay with myself and being happy with being in love instead of feeling like everything is some sort of control issue.
Also..if it’s just the two of us..can I still wear a garter? I’d really like to.
Day 4: Writing & Depression
When I was in a really shitty relationship from the ages of 18-22, it was the most active time in my life in terms of my writing. I’ve gone through three phases of writing thus far in my life. The first was from the ages of 10-13 where I was a little writing maniac! I could fill composition notebooks with ease during my downtime in class. Filling it with stories that had layers,complexity, plots, and character development. My sixth grade teacher urged that I try to get one particularly story published, but I laughed it off. I even had a typed story on my computer that had about 100 pages single spaced that I crafted back then. I could barely get through 30 double spaced pages for my English thesis. Boys ruined all of this of course.
Day 3: Something maybe nothing.
I won’t get into the messy details of life but I may have ruined my marriage before it even began. Meaning I may not even get married at all. My heart hurts so much and I can’t even imagine what he feels like. Negative self fulfilling prophecies are now no longer something I learned about in Psychology, but my existence. I hate myself and this is how I’ve gotten to the point I’m at right now.This is what happens when you don’t give a shit enough about yourself and anyone else I care about. To think I, and by extension them, don’t deserve happiness.
We spoke for a while last night, after not speaking for twenty four hours, and I came to some very important realizations about myself and acknowledged my role in actively perpetuating discord in our relationship.
I don’t know if he’ll forgive me, I don’t know if we’ll stay together. I’m supposed to be getting married on a beach in exactly 5 months. I don’t know anything anymore.
Forever self salting my wounds.
So I was talking to one of my dearest friends today and I realized that, aside from him and one other friend, I don’t think my friends understand what depression is like for me.
Saw these on someone’s blog. Hunted these babies down, had to have them.
Sam Edelman “Lyla” in Leopard
A dress and another shirtfrom DP and my precious Cambridge Satchel which won’t arrive for another 3-4 weeks.
I lost some weight(not much) and people keep telling me to stop wearing loose shirts so I have decided to embrace it and ordered some things from Dorothy Perkins.
- 51 minutes of cardio yesterday..30 minutes of strengyh training today. doing pretty well.. i’m also drinking all of teh waterz. like i’m supposed to..
- i need to wash my hair..it’s disgusting.
- my head wound is finally on the mend after a MONTH of existing on my face.
- i’ve been inside since sunday :( when my head took a turn for the worst..but hopefully this week i can go out.
What the fuck is wrong with swimsuit makers? Just because I’m a 36G does not mean I am someone’s mother or grandmother, so therefore I don’t want to look like one. It also doesn’t mean that I’m a size 20 or something. Can someone please make a fucking decent looking bikini top in that size range with bottoms that match for a size 12!!!
